On meditation

I know when I breathe in, and I know when I breathe out.
I guess that I know when I breathe in, but does it matter if that’s subconsciously? I don’t know.
I’m so tired, maybe I’ll fall asleep? Or maybe I’ll get really into it and fall into a trance or something? I might be really good at it, and I could go really deep. I wonder what all of these people would do if in the middle of it I just ran over to the sink and vomited or something because it was so strong, and overwhelming, and my mind was totally in a whole other place, and it shot back into my body, or something.
I can’t keep my eyes open a crack, it’s too hard. It hurts my eyeballs, like when I look up to far for a really long time and they start to ache and then I start to feel nauseous. Maybe I will be sick? I really don’t know what the etiquette is for being sick in this kind of situation. I suppose that everyone would be worried, they’d run round me and get me water. They might even be a little impressed that I went so far under or into myself. They might be a little jealous? But they might also be kind of annoyed that I’d ruined their session, but who can be annoyed with a sick person? It’s not like I’d have done it deliberately, I hate being sick. I guess they don’t know that.
Maybe I should have told them before we closed our eyes, or closed them to a crack, or stopped talking, but its not really the sort of thing that you can bring up. They’d probably think that as it was my first time there that I was being silly, or had delusions of grandeur or something like that, but how do they know that it’s my first time? It’s my first time here, but it might not be my first time anywhere. People can be so quick to assume.
I’m trying to concentrate on my breathing, but what are you meant to think when you’re concentrating? Is it the rhythm, the feeling, simplicity of it, or maybe it’s more of a life and death thing? Like an appreciation of your nose, or lungs, or your brain for giving them both the green light and making them work? I don’t know, I can’t just concentrate on my breathing as I don’t know which element to concentrate on.
Empty your head.
But if I try and think about nothing, then I invariably think about something. Even if I try and just think about black, or grey, or white, then doesn’t that occupy my mind?
Eigengrau, eigengrau, eigengrau.
I was never very good at German.
I’m so tired.
I’m definitely going to fall asleep.

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